


Your My Soulmate

by Kokodle



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Airplane Crashes, Angst, Angst With A Happyish Ending, Angst and Tragedy, Canon Divergence, Character Death, F/F, F/M, Gen, Last words, Major Character Injury, Not Canon Compliant, Sad, Sad Ending, its not really happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:42:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27154687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kokodle/pseuds/Kokodle
Summary: Meredith woke after the plane crash and there was Lexie but where was Cristina
Relationships: Arizona Robbins/Callie Torres, Lexie Grey/Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey & Cristina Yang, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd, previous Owen Hunt/Cristina Yang
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	1. Pain Pain And More Pain

**Author's Note:**

> my writing is horrible sorry

Meredith

Meredith opened her it was so bright, are we at Boise yet she thought. But then the glare subsided and she was in the wood. Why was she in the woods, she should be in Boise by now? Unless the plane had crashed but the plane couldn't have crashed. Then Lexie grabbed her and pulled her up saying

“Mer Mer you have to get Up” Meredith could hear screams in the background she didn't know whose they were. As she sat up she was able to see Mark stumbling around Lexie clutching her shoulder she also saw some of the wreckage. She looked over and saw that there was a piece of metal sticking out of her leg and she pulled it out. She took a piece of cloth next to her and wrapped it around the wound. She got up on her feet and looked around

“ Where are Cristina and Derek” she asked Lexie

“What Happened” “our plane crashed” Lexie replied. Lexie, "Where is Derek?" she asked. "He was sucked out of the side of the plane then the back came off" she said clearly scared and freaked out .

"Cristina was in the back." Meredith was scared, scared that her husband and her best friend were dead. "Where is Cristina?"

"I don't know. I don’t know" Lexie yelled looking like she was going to cry. Meredith felt around her head “I'm bleeding”.

Arizona 

Arizona could feel nothing but pain. Pain. Pain. and more Pain. She wanted to scream until she couldn't anymore. She barely knew where she was. She knew she was in a plane crash at least she thought she had been in a plane crash.

She knew that screaming wasn't going to do things but that's all she wanted to do. So she kept screaming. Then out of nowhere Lexie yelled at her to shut up.

She thought that was out of character for Lexie but she was stressed so she’ll let it go. Lexie and Meredith were talking; she just had to listen to them; it wouldn't hurt as much if she just focused on them. Lexie was asking where the sound was and Arizona focused on the sound.

“It’s coming from there” Arizona pointed at the direction of the sound.

Lexie

Lexie couldn't focus on anything with Arizona screaming like that she wanted her to shut up so she could think. She yelled at Arizona to shut up. She felt horrible but she just needed her to shut up for one second so that she could think.

Lexie was confused and scared she wanted to Boise or even better back home. She kept hearing this tapping noise coming from somewhere. "Where is that coming from." asked Mark. Arizona pointed at where it was coming from. They followed the noise yelling for Cristina and Derek until they saw a hand hitting a piece of metal against part of the plane on top of them.

It was Cristina

* * *

Cristina

Cristina was smart. She knew someone was alive but they sounded like they were a lot of pain, weirdly enough she wasn't in that much pain. She couldn't feel her legs or one of her arms she could see through but not that much as she was laying down.

She hoped that Meredith was ok or at least alive and she did good work on Derek Shepherd's heart, so It would be a shame if he died now.

Lexie was her intern, she didn't like her too much but she was a good kid a good girl she didn't deserve to die, and Cristina had never known Arizona well but she had live with her for a while and you can get a good idea of what a person is like by living with them she had mistakes lots of them but she was a good person.

Cristina hated this thought but she was glad it was Arizona and not Alex, Alex as annoying as he is was a good person and he had been through too much in his life already and if she was being honest she felt bad for him. She knew he was going to blame himself and he will have good reason to think so he made Arizona get on the plane, he was at fault.

Cristina didn't care about Mark she barely knew him but he was ok she thought he was ok. And Mer poor Mer, Cristina knew Meredith would make it through.

Cristina knew a lot of thing she knew she was going to die and she wasn't too scared she knew that she should have died a long time ago in the car crash with her father she should have died with her father, then with the explosive in the body she should have died there, then in the shooting she really should have died there, but now she was going to die her. She thought it was a horrible place to die. But she at least deserved to see someone before she died, so she picked up a piece of metal she thought was the metal part of the seatbelt and she hit it against the piece of the plane on top of her.

It made a loud sound. It was kinda nice the sound it was kinda comforting even if no one came she liked the sound. She hoped she would get to see her soul mate before she died.

Meredith 

Meredith first thought when she saw that hand was that it had to be someone else; she knew it couldn't have been Derek; it wasn't his hand. She hoped with all her heart that there was a stowaway because the other option her brain couldn't handle because she knew if that was Cristina, they were in the woods and if no one came to save them then that they probably couldn't save her but they were going to do everything they could. As she walked closer she knew it was Cristina and she felt sick to stomach. Cristina couldn't die. She needed her because she was her soulmate and she didn't know what she would do if she died.

Cristina needed to live. She had just passed her boards; she was a surgeon she was going to Stanford or Mayo or Columbia she was a full fledged surgeon and Meredith was going to do everything in her power to make her live.


	2. Because She Knows It Won't Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find cristina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a lot longer and i decide to merge 1 and 2

No One

Meredith ran to Cristina when her brain realized it was really her.

“Cristina Cristina” “I knew you’d show up”. “How are you doing?” asked Lexie from the background.

Cristina looked horrible.

“She’s awake and responsive,” Meredith replied. “Are you ok she asked” ,

“yeah I’m doing great” Meredith smiled as she was making a joke that was a good sign. Right? “Were going to try to get you ok” Meredith told Cristina “Kay Mer” Meredith got up she tachycardic shortness of breath.

“I need to find Derek,” said Mark. “Ok if you find him tell him I am with Cristina and she’s bad” Meredith wasn't even going to think about Derek being dead right now she just had to make sure that Cristina was going to live. She needs both of them alive. When she was full up she looked at Lexie and she looked scared. “Ok we need to get her out of here.” she said to Lexie. “Set it,” Lexie said, referring to her shoulder. So Meredith did and Lexie admitted a scream that could probably be heard all through Idaho

After they had made a sling for Lexie's arm they started to try to lift the wing off of her. It wasn't working but it had to, it had to, they have to save Cristina. Lexie crouched to Cristina’s level “give me the rundown.” she said. “Sure thing three my legs and pelvis are crushed and I can't feel my other arm and with my luck it probably not even there anymore and my chest hurts so much so I definitely have a massive hemothorax ”.

As she said this Meredith was thinking “Lexie Lex we need to get the oxygen from the plane the oxygen tanks okay? and fluids water bottles we have water bottles right?” Meredith said sounding slightly crazed “If we fluids and oxygen she’ll be ok go get them Lex”

“Go go go get them why aren't you moving move, move Lex” “Mer Because she knows it won't help” said Cristina from under the wing of the plane. “No no you will be fine you have to be fine stop dying you are gonna be fine go get them now” Lexie crouched again “I'm going to be right back ok?” Lexie said with tears in her eyes she then left to find an oxygen tank she knew was going to do nothing.

Lexie

Lexie got up and went back towards Arizona and the pilot.

It was the biggest part of the plane so it should have all the supplies, she could probably find an oxygen tank and some water to appease Meredith even though Lexie knew that Cristina was going to die. Lexie was scared of what would happen when Cristina dies.

At the beginning she was scared of Yang, Yang was her boss, she was in charge of her and she thought that she was cold and dead inside but she wasn't; she had compassion even if it was hidden well. She knew that Cristina dying would mess Meredith up; she would never fully recover and she was scared of that too. She was of how Owen would react. Cristina was the love of his life and she was now going to be dead. She wondered if Owen knew that the plane crashed.

She was finally at the big wreckage she needed to first find Arizona and the pilot then she could find the stuff for Meredith. Arizona had stopped screaming which was good but her leg was a mess. She picked some of the wreckage that she would be able to splint her leg with.

“I'm gonna splint your leg Arizona.” Lexie told Arizona “No I can do it Jerry needs C-spine stabilization” Arizona said Lexie knew that she was referring to the pilot

“How are you doing there Jerry” Arizona said talking to the pilot. “ I give us four tops before they find us.” The pilot said, trying to reassure someone. Lexie thought that was good if the pilot said that they had four then maybe they could get Cristina out of here alive.

Lexie climbed on the plane to give the pilot C-spine Stabilization She went over to him and asked “Do you have any tape” “Yeah in the cabinet to your left” Lexie went over to the cabinet and went to open it. “There should also be a flare gun in there too. If you see a chopper you fire it straight up.” She grabbed the tape and flare gun and found a large piece of wood too as Arizona asked her questions that the answers to were not good.

Lexie went back to Jerry with the piece of wood and Arizona let out a sound that was a mix between a scream and a whimper. Lexie stabilized Jerry's spine “Jerry do you know if there is a first aid kit” Lexie asked in the hopes that there might be something there that could help them not die. “Yeah in the cabinet on your right” Jerry replied. Lexie perked up in happiness until she saw that there was no cabinet to her right that had been torn off in the crash or the moments leading up to the crash.

“That’s gone,” Lexie said in annoyance. Sighing, Lexie opened the cabinet to grab some water bottles and more stuff and she put it in a bag. She had found it was hard to move around with her bad shoulder but she was lucky to not come out with more serious injuries. She went back to the pilot because he was rambling about being paralyzed and he probably was but he needed to know that for himself, so she went over, grabbed a pen, apologized and stabbed him in the leg. 

As she went to leave with all the stuff she needed she encountered Mark “I can’t find Derek, what if he's dead” Mark told her “You should keep looking until you find him or his body and pray it's not his body because Cristina probably not going make it and Meredith doesn’t need that.” Lexie replied “Should I go with you” Mark asked worried “No it would be more helpful if you found Derek.” Lexie said to Mark. Just yesterday Lexie was thinking of her boards now she was worried she won't live that long. Cristina Yang had just passed her boards and Lexie was running to her death bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will most likely be at seattle grace mercy west


	3. I Feel Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What going on at seattle grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What going on at seattle grace

  
  


No one 

  
The residents were talking by their cubbies about how much they didn't want to go to the dinner and how they would kill each other if it meant not having to go to the dinner. April was angry and she expressed that by calling everything stupid, stupid dry cleaning, stupid closet, stupid heels, stupid kid.

While ignoring April, Alex asked Jackson if he had decided where he was going to go. He said that he had options and that he hadn't decided yet. April found this funny as the only options he had were if she was going to work at a mall or at her parent's farm. Jackson tried to console her with the fact that she was still a doctor but she didn't want to hear it.

Meanwhile Bailey and Ben were in the ambulance bay trying to figure out how their relationship was going to go as they were engaged but Ben might be moving to LA for a chance to be a surgeon. Ben had brought up the idea of living apart but Bailey hated that idea scared that if they were apart they might fall out of love. Bailey knew that her and Ben were really in love and that they would make it no matter what but she had seen her marriage fail under the stress of surgical residence and she really loved Ben and she didn't want that kind of stress on him or their relationship.

After Ben left she talked to Callie about how absence makes the sex grow hotter she was embarrassed but maybe it was true.

April 

April was scared, scared that all the time she had spent practicing medicine was pointless. She was angry, angry at herself for fail for letting her nerves get to her for letting Jackson get to her and now she has to go to a stupid dinner where everyone will celebrating how they passed and she will be getting drunk if you can get drunk on champagne.

They weren't gloating they weren't holding the fact that they had passed and she had not up to her face and she wished they were she wish they would just gloat just be horrible people it would make her feel better if they weren't pitying her and now she had to get both Meredith and Cristina dry cleaning while they are off saving a pair of twin’s lives. April might never practice medicine again and she thinks about what she’ll do now going back to her parent farm. She knows that they won't be disappointed in her but she still thinks that she has failed them.

April wonders why neither Cristina nor Meredith has called them well; they might have called Alex or Jackson but probably not her maybe because they don't want to rub the fact that they still can practice medicine in her face. 

Alex

  
Alex was pissed he chose Hopkins because it’s the best. Was he a horrible person for wanting to learn from the best, be the best? But now Arizona was punishing him for choosing to be the best. He was pulled off of every single peds case and he didn't get to operate on the twins.He was pissed and now he’s going to go complain to the person who knows her the best Callie,

“Your wife is bonkers” Alex said to Callie “Yeah but she’s cute” Callie replied, “No, she pulled me off every single peds case before she left. She punishing me for choosing Hopkins.” Alex said to Callie, visibly annoyed. “Ouch” she said back. Their conversation went on with Alex trying to call Arizona, who did not pick up, and Callie giving him advice for what to do when Arizona came back. 

Owen

Owen understood why Teddy was going to stay instead of going to medcom he still thought she should leave but he understood, she was stay for him because Cristina was leaving to go to Stanford or Columbia or someplace far away and she was scared for him scared that without Cristina he wouldn't be ok and he didn't know if he would be ok he didn't know what would happen because Cristina was the love of his life and she was leaving him and maybe she would come back and maybe she wouldn't, but there would always a chunk of his heart that belonged to her. He was still a bit annoyed that Teddy wasn't going to go to medcom but he left all his calls to voicemail so he still had time to convince her to take the job at medcon.

* * *

Timeskip 

No one 

Alex, Jackson and April were sitting by a vending machine eating snacks when Callie saw them and was annoyed “What are you doing?” She asked “Eating” Jackson replied “ No no you have a dinner tonight the biggest dinner of your lives.” and the conversation went on with the resident thinking of reasons why they can’t come to the dinner, and Callie telling them to go, giving motivational advice and then leaving.

Later on April and Jackson were together getting ready for the dinner. “I choose Tulane,” Jackson said trying to break the awkward silence “Good, that’s good for you.” April replied “Yeah. I feel sick by the way, sick to leave here. To leave you, but um but I’m glad you're so friggin happy about it.” Jackson said to April. “I’m not.” she said in disbelief that Jackson would say that.

“I’m not happy about any of it, I’m not happy that everything I thought I was turns out not to be true.” “Um I’m not a board certified surgeon I’m not a virgin and I’m not even a good christian anymore.” She looked at Jackson with glare “What do you mean by that.” Jackson stared at her angrily “You know what I mean.” she replied

“ You know these days I don’t think I ever know what you mean.” “Jackson” and with that Jackson stumped out of the room.

While Jackson and April were fighting Alex was trying to get a hold of Arizona.

it was dark outside and he was in the ambulance bay and no matter how many times he called she just wouldn't pick up and he knew that she was angry at him but she should still pick up the phone. There might be an emergency and she was needed. He just wanted to apologize and talk about what they were going to do.

Owen Hunt had finally made it back to his office; he still hadn’t made Teddy take the job yet but he was certain he could. He now needs to check his voice mails for anything important he clicks the button

“Hello Dr.Hunt this is Dr. Sheean from Boise Memorial I just wanted to confirm when you doctors will be coming.” “ Dr. Hunt I’m nor sure where your surgeon will be coming. I'm going to check in with the airport.” “ This is Dr. Sheean were a little bit concerned here have your surgeon check in with you because the airport hasn’t heard from them.” Owen was confused; he had thought that they were at Boise but if neither him nor the airport had heard from them then the most likely scenario is that their plane went down.

Their plane had crashed and Cristina was on that plane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this owen doesnt fire teddy because i dont want him to.


	4. It's Ok, I'm Ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the woods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to the woods 
> 
> Character death and it is implied the derek hurts himself to get free.

Cristina 

Cristina was still stuck under the wing but now Meredith was with her trying to promise that she would live, Cristina knew that she was going to die and she needed to tell Meredith some things to make sure she understood things. 

“Lexie's going to come back with the fluids and the oxygen and you're going to be fine ok ?” Meredith promised “ Mer, Mer can you look after Owen for me, make sure he falls in love again.” Cristina asked “Your not going to die Cristina”

“Mer it’s ok I’m I’m ok tell Owen I forgive him and that I love him you, need to f-for me.” Cristina looked at Meredith and Meredith knew that she was dying and that it was selfish to want Cristina to stay in so much pain but she wasn’t ready to let go she needed Cristina. “You can't die, I need you, I need you Cristina.”

  
  


Meredith looked close to tears But Cristina just kept talking

“Tell Kepner that no no matter what she’s still a surgeon and she will she will forever be a surgeon and Avery tell him that I’ll miss him.” Cristina paused to take a breath as her body was failing she was unable to breath as well. While she was taking a breath Meredith interjected “Can you just stop talking your not going to die you are not going to die today ok you hear me” 

“Tell Bai-bailey that I’m I’m sorry that I’m sorry I caused so much trouble and that I love her and evilspawn needs to be the best he needs, he needs to be the best for me and be the best for himself. Teddy, tell Teddy that she was an amazing teacher and that she she shaped me into the surgeon I am and that in a way I owe part of my career to her.” Cristina just kept talking and sounded like by every second she was losing more and more breath.

“Tell Callie and Arizona that it was nice living with them and that that they're good people and also remind your husband I fixed his heart so now he has to be good to it, be good to himself."

While Cristina was talking Meredith was trying to get the wing off of her at some point she gave up. Can you also call my mom and tell her I’m so sorry and Izzie and I guess Burke they deserve to hear it from you? I'm sorry for putting so much on your your sh-shoulders but I, I need you to do this ok?”

Cristina gave her last wishes to the distraught Meredith who the whole time didn’t say a word, she couldn't say a word the whole time her best friend her soulmate was asking for dying wishes and she was going to do them. “And Mer you need to look, look after yourself, dont go telling sh-shooters to shoot you ok or I'll be really angry ok?” Cristina asked

“Yeah.” Meredith replied crying “Don’t be sad now I’ll say say hi to O’malley I’ll get to see, see my dad again I’ll be ok, all you have to to do is look after yourself and if you can again look after Owen for me” “I thought your not religious.” Meredith made one last joke “I’m not” she said as the last reply to one of Meredith jokes. “Meredith I love you, so you have to be ok for me ok?” Cristina said “Yeah” Meredith grabbed Cristinas hand and held on for dear life. She felt Cristina squeeze her hand for the last time. “I love you too” there were tears streaming down Meredith's face and just like that Cristina was gone. 

Lexie 

Somehow Lexie knew that Cristina had died, maybe it was something in the air, the smell of death. But she knew that Cristina had died so she ran, ran as fast as she cold back to where Cristina was, and all she found was an incredible distraught Meridith trying to shake Cristina awake “NO NO NO you can’t die you can’t you can’t I need you” Meredith cried out and when Lexie came over she realized that Meredith didn’t even know she was there, maybe she could come Meredith down

“Mer Mer I need you to stop Cristina wouldn’t have wanted you to do this you know that.” Lexie said trying to calm Meredith down “ Shut up you barely knew her I knew her for five year five” Meredith said raising her voice with each word tear streaming down her face

“You barely knew her and you thinkyou know what she would have wanted SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP FOR ONCE.” Lexie was taken aback by her sister's words and tone but she knew that Meredith was not in her right state of mind right now she just had to think of an idea, she could take Meredith to try to find Derek but if Derek were dead it could cause more harm than good in Meredith state. 

Then she saw Meredith get up she was grabbing as large sheet of metal and she was placing it over the the hole where Cristina upper body was “What are you doing” Lexie said while picking up big piece of metal herself “I can't look at her anymore and there are wolves in these woods and I'm not going to let my best friend get eaten by wolves Lexie.” Meredith said while crying

“Do you want to check up on Arizona and Jerry?” Lexie asked “Jerry” Meredith questioned “The pilot” Lexie looked up at Meredith tear stained face “Sure”

Mark

Mark knew that Yang wasn't going to make it and was he a horrible person for not wanting to watch someone die, someone who had saved his best friend’s and was now going to die. 

So he didn't, he left to find Derek hopefully alive. He didn't want to think about Derek dead but that was all his brain could focus on. He thought of how horrible it would be for Meredith if he died she had already lost Yang and if she lost Derek who knows what would happen. Mark knows that he is think of that because he's too scared to think of what would happen to him if Derek died. 

So he didn't he just kept yelling until his voice was sore and his chest hurt even more.

He knew that the bruising on his chest was bad but he had more important things to do like find Derek but at the moment it was getting nowhere so he went back to what he called home base even though they were all meeting there because neither the pilot nor Arizona could move. As he went there he saw Meredith walking into the woods calling out Derek’s name. 

All hope that Yang would live left his body, she was dead. Lexie pulled him aside “I’m going to go with her to try to find Derek.” Lexie informed him “ And Yang” Mark asked and Lexie just shook her head Cristina Yang was really dead.

“You need to stay with the pilot and Arizona and here’s a flare gun you see a helicopter you shoot it straight up ok?” She gave him the flare gun and left and Mark's chest hurt and he wasn't sure if it was from the internal bleeding or from Lexie walking away.

Derek

Derek knew that no matter how hard he tried he wasn't going to get his hand out of the piece of metal without breaking it.

It was like that book where they catch raccoons by making a trap where the raccoon can get his hand in but to get his hand out he has to let go of whatever is in his fist and in Derek’s fist is his surgical career. But then he hears Mark calling out to him and he gets closer to letting go of what’s in his fist, but then he hears Meredith calling out to her and he does it he, opens his fist and lets go. 

He gets up to follow the sound of Meredith's voice until he can see her. She look horrible but he can’t imagine what he looks like scared, clutching a bloody hand he wishes that she didn't have to see him like this but there was nothing he do “Meredith” he said and Meredith came rushing to him

“Your alive but what happen to you hand” she said worriedly “That not important, what important is that your alive. How is everyone else.” and that when Meredith started to cry. Derek looked at her scared “Cris-Cristina didn't make it” Meredith said crying. Derek was shocked how could Cristina Yang die, she wasn't supposed to die he owed his life to her and now she was dead just out of nowhere. That is not how the world should work, not how death should work, but Derek knew that life wasn’t fair and neither was death.

All he could do right now was console Meredith he could grieve later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is where it might get more cannon divergeny also the book I reference in Derek's part is a book i read in I think fourth grade i think it was where the red fern grows


	5. Everything Has To Be Ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is going to be ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me awhile and im not that happy with it

Meredith 

For Meredith she couldn't tell if time was moving slower or faster she couldn't tell if time was moving at all.

Cristina was dead and then everyone else would die but at least she would spend time with Derek before she died, that would be nice.

She would miss Zola though she didn't knew where Zola would go if she died Cristina was her godmother and she didn't really want Zola to go to her father she knew that was mean she knew that he had raised Lexie and Lexie was good but she still didn't trust him and now she was just ranting in her head.

First she had to fix Derek’s hand if he made it out of here he should be able to use his hand so she could rant later about how her father was a bad father but first she needed to fix Derek's hand to do something productive instead of just watching someone die so she did.

Then Mark collapsed and she knew they were going to die one by one Cristina, Mark, Arizona, Jerry, Derek, Herself, and then Lexie. It wasn't like she wanted to die. She didn't, she just thought it was pointless to think she’s going to make it out of here alive, but she would try to stay strong for Zola for Cristina. She knew that Cristina would be angry if she didn't try to live so she would. Right after Mark stopped dying 

Mark was dying and Meredith was annoyed Mark wasn’t supposed to die, Mark wasn’t allowed to die he had to stay alive and so when she learned that she had to do it she wasn’t annoyed by the way Derek and Lexie were looking at her.

Mark was their best friend and the love of their lives and she would save for them. So she grabbed the knife and the tubbing and she pretends like she was watching Cristina and that she was Cristina and that they were at Seattle Grace and that they were at the residents party and that there was a trauma and that they got called away and that this was the some random guy that she had never seen before in her life. But it wasn't it was Mark

Lexie 

Lexie had to stay strong, for Meredith, for Mark for herself she had to stay strong. Cristina was dead and she didn't know how that would impact Meredith. They were best friends, they were soulmates and what happens when your soulmates dies. Lexie wanted to believe what Jackson had told her once that maybe they had multiple soulmates she wanted to believe that for Meredith’s sake.

But right now she had more important matters like Mark collapsing.

She had just gotten back to the camp when Mark ran up and hugged Derek “You're alive, you're alive, you're you're.” and just like that Mark collapsed his grip on Derek went slack and he collapsed.

Lexie was scared she really knew at that moment that he was the love of her life, so she immediately dropped to the ground she was confused to what could have happened but then she saw the bruising on his chest and she knew something had happened she decided the best thing to do was to rip his shirt open when she did he let out a sound of displeasure

“What are you doing?” Derek asked frantically “He has to have something going on” Lexie replied. She listened to his chest and asked for help from Cristina. She knew that she was dead but maybe her ghost was hanging around and Lexie was probably going insane but if Cristina’s ghost appeared that was fine in her mind. 

She thought and thought and then an idea popped into her head and she thanked Cristina. “I think it’s a cardiac tamponade.” Lexie says looking down at the chest of the man she loves “Hey you can’t die now I love you ok?” whispered Lexie to Mark but her thoughts were cut off “How sure are you” Derek asked “ I haven't done cardio in months so not that sure” Lexie told Derek “Not that sure that the best you can do.” Derek was about to yell at Lexie but he knew that that would do him no good

“Really if you can get me an ultrasound that would be nice but there are four outcomes we cut him open he dies, we cut him open he doesn’t die, we don’t cut him open he dies, we don’t cut him open he doesn’t die but if you think we shouldn’t that's ok “Ok lets do it.” Derek relented “I don't think I can do it with my shoulder and collarbone it has to be Meredith” Lexie looked up at Meredith who took a deep breath “I can do it.” Meredith said and she did and she cut him open and the blood came gushing out of the tube and he was ok as ok as he can be.

  
  
  
  


Derek 

Derek was scared Meredith wasn't saying a thing she was fixing his hand with a safety pin and she wasn't saying anything. He knew she was trying to keep it together but he was worried that Meredith would never be the same.

He thought of if he watched Mark die he would be devastated, but he also knew that Mark and his bond would never compare to the bond that Meredith and Cristina had and to watch her die was horrible and Meredith had already been through so much already this was going to be tough. He knew that he didn't have the time to grieve he didn't have the time to grieved for the person who had saved his life who had risked her life to save his and he knew he would have to grieve at some point but if he let go right now the only thing he would do was hurt Meredith 

He didn't think anything would happen to Mark. Not after Cristina he thought that the world would give them a break that they would be found and that everything would be ok. But the world had another punch to throw and it was going to throw it with all its might.

He was scared and he knew that yelling at Lexie wasn't going to help Mark and so he didn't, he got close but he didn't he wanted to he wanted to get up and punch a tree with his good hand but he didn't because what was the point none of that was going to help. So when Meredith was the only person that could help Mark he knew not to question her because it would do no good it would only hurt people so he put his faith in Meredith and he knew that it would be ok.

Owen 

Owen was freaking out, how could this happened, what was he supposed to do.

He was scared Cristina was on that plane she could be dead she could be gone forever. But no no he wasn't supposed to freak out he had to stay calm for Cristina for Derek and everyone else, everything would be ok they would be ok all he had to do was find them and they would be ok.

So he did what he alway did when he was over his head chief wise he called Webber and asked for help for him to come over to the hospital to help him, to help him figure out what to do, what he was supposed to do and who he should tell. If he was allowed to tell.

“We have to call their families” Richard told Owen “ Yeah we should, I’ll do Cristina’s mom and Robbins’s family you do the Shepherd’s and the Grey’s and if you know Mark’s family call them too” Owen called out to Richard. As Owen called Cristina mom he the only thought going through his head was to stay calm that nothing good would come if he didn't stay calm, so he did because everything was going to be ok.


	6. Who Knows Who Will Go With Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the plane crash victims think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi so in this chapter the timeline is a bit wonky so sorry and no owen today

Lexie was so tired she just wanted to sleep so badly, but she couldn't. They needed her, Mark needed her, so she stayed awake, after two days, she was so exhausted she thought she might just pass out but everytime she got close she thought of Mark dying while she was asleep and she couldn't.

They had seen a helicopter and they had tried to fire the flare gun but nothing came out and the helicopter had just flown by and she could feel how everyone's heart sank just a little more. They were all scared so scared of dying then getting eaten by the wolves.

Lexie saw how different Meredith looked after Cristina death how she would fall asleep and she looked so peaceful and then wake up wanting to believe it was a dream but it wasn't, how Meredith would look around trying to find Cristina and when she doesn’t the look of terror and sadness on her face at time was too much to handle. How she would then go lay next to Derek just to make sure that he wouldn’t slip away too.

Lexie saw the bug’s crawl into Arizona's leg she saw how they would nibble at the flesh at she knew she had to do something, so she did she knew that it was terrible but she didn’t know what else to do she told Arizona what she was going to do and she was ok with it but she knew that was because Arizona would do anything if she thought it would help her save her leg.

So Lexie did what she could, she tried she got as many bugs out as she could out and then she wrapped it the best she could with what she had. In Lexie’s opinion she was not going to be able to keep her leg but if the thought made Arizona keep going then she was fine with that. Everyone had to keep going Lexie needed them to keep going and she knew if Mark died she wouldn't be able to keep going. 

Everytime Lexie thinks of Mark she thinks of Owen the love of his life is dead and he probably doesn't even know it, he knows about the crash by now but he probably still thinks that Cristina is alive and Lexie wants to cry for him cry for the the unimaginable future his is going to face whenever they find them dead or alive. Cristinas dead and who knows who will go with her. 

Meredith 

Meredith wasn’t going to give up she had gotten too far to do that she saw the way Lexie looked at her the pity but she couldn’t Cristina didn’t want that Cristina had believe that Meredith was going to live and so she was going to do her best to follow what Cristina would have wanted.

She didn’t know why but all she could think of was how everyone was going to react, Teddy, Owen, Bailey, Webber, Alex, Jackson, and April. She felt bad for them. They must know about the crash and know they are going to get their hearts crushed believing anyone’s going to live. She knows she is supposed to keep her head up and keep going that Cristina would have wanted her to do but was there even any point in trying if it would get them nowhere but for Cristina she would try she would try she had to keep together for Cristina for Zola. 

Derek was still alive and she was going to make sure he stayed that way.

Zola needed a parent and Derek had much better parent than hers and that meant he would be a better parent. Cristina didn’t want kids. She remembered that it wasn’t that she didn’t like children, it's that she had other aspirations. Cristina was a surgeon before anything else she was a surgeon and it was good she died a surgeon. Meredith didn’t know why everytime she thought of something she connected it to Cristina, she didn’t want to think about Cristina but she couldn’t stop thinking about her. 

It had been at least two days since they had crashed she remembered the first day in its horrific detail waking up and feeling so scared, and watching her die she remembers it all, and the only time it is not on her mind is when she sleeps in her sleep nothing is wrong in her sleep she is going on adventures with the people she loves. She's a little scared of going to sleep, scared that she’s going to go to sleep and the memories will infect her dreams too. 

Meredith is scared for Derek. She saw his hand; she had helped stitch up his arm and she was scared that he would never operate again.

Meredith is scared for Arizona. She knows that she is trying so hard to believe that she will keep her leg and she is not going to be able to and she knows that that will break her.

Meredith is scared for Lexie and Mark, scared that Mark will die and that Lexie will break, scared that they will never try again to find out their feelings for eachother and that they won’t be happy.

Meredith is scared for the people at Seattle Grace. Scared about how they will feel, how they will react.

Meredith is scared for Owen. Scared that he will never love again because if he doesn’t then it will be hard to follow Cristina’s wishes. Cristina wanted Owen to fall in love again and Meredith was the person Cristina had chosen to carry out those wishes.

Meredith most of all was scared for herself, scared that she will never be able to forget this to move on. She was supposed to go to Boston and get a job there and it would all be ok they would leave the house they had built and that would be sad. 

Meredith hated this thought, but in a horrible way she was glad that Cristina was dead. She was scared when their residence that everything would be different that Cristina would leave and she would leave and everyone would go off on their own adventures and that they would be gone. She hated how every once in a while the thought would pass her mind how Cristina wouldn’t have to leave how they could stick together and it made her sick that that thought passed her mind but she couldn’t analyze everything right now she just had to stay alive.

  
  


Derek

Derek saw the helicopter fly away and all he could think about was how angry he was, how angry that all this stuff had to happen to him that he always got hurt. He was angry about his hand that he was probably never going to walk again he was angry that no one had found them and most of all he was just angry at the world. He did have to keep going.

Meredith told him at some point that Cristina had given her messages to all the people back home and here and he remembers Meredith recounting what she had said then bursting into tears. 

For whatever reason he couldn’t remember the actual crash he remembers waking up and he remembers how painful his had was and how he follow the sounds of Meredith voice and how he found her and how happy they both were for just a second before reality caught up, but for the life of him he couldn't remember the actual crash.

Maybe he doesn’t remember because he wants someone to blame and if didn’t remember he could blame it on the pilot but he knows it’s not the pilot’s fault he knows but he wants someone to blame. He knows how hard it will be if they make it out of this to be ok. He knows that he will be ok though because in his life he had witnessed and been the victim of horrible things and he made it out of that so he has to make it out of this.

Arizona

Arizona felt nothing and everything. She was in pain but in a weird way she felt nothing. She had bonded with the pilot; he had done nothing wrong; it wasn’t his fault that their world was crashing down. Arizona had learned a lot about him and he seemed nice he had a family and he was happy, she felt bad for him he had a life and now if he made it out of here he was going to be paralyzed from the waist down it was sad.

Arizona felt bad for Meredith, her soulmate was dead. Arizona was in too much pain to process emotions. She was close to Cristina; they had lived together for a while even and now she was dead.

She remembered Mark coming up to her and telling her that Cristina was dead. She remembered the way the pain stopped for just a second and all she could feel was hopelessness, the fact she couldn’t do anything she was stuck.

Deep inside she knew that she was going to lose her leg but could you blame her the leg meant more the leg was a part of her career, part of her independence it was a part of her and maybe she didn’t want it cut off. 

She wondered what would happen when they got home and how things would change. She knew that she was out of hand when she yelled at Alex but he had promised her and now he was going just like her brother. She was less angry for Hopkins and more angry for not being on the plane, she wished that he was on the plane. She knows that it is a horrible thing to wish on a person but she was dying and she just wanted someone to blame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be about how finding them and we will go from there


	7. Things Were Going To Change Anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the plane crash victims are found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is not great. owens going to find out about Cristina next chapter. i dont know how search and rescue of paramedic work also.

Owen 

See he was right they had found some of the plane parts and there were helicopters out there and they would find them and it would be ok and everything would be ok. He got a call from the lead of the search and rescue saying that they had found a girl he got his hopes up that it would be Cristina.

It wasn’t, it was Lexie but that was good because Lexie could show them where everyone else was. The search and rescue people told him that they were going to Idaho because it was closer. He wanted them to come to Seattle but they probably weren’t in good shape so it was for the best that they were going to Idaho. He asked the search and rescue people to focus on the plane crash victims and to only call him if it was very important.

Owen went to rent a bus they would need. They knew after what had happened that no one would want to go on a plane and if they drove fast they could be there fast.

Owen remembered pulling anyone that they were close to aside and telling them about what had happened he remembered how shocked everyone had looked; he remembered the question, he remembered how Callie almost attacked Alex yelling at him, he remembered Alex’s expression a mix between worry and anger who he was angry at was a mystery to him. 

Owen remembered telling the family what had happened. He saw their looks. The looks from Cristina’s mom were the hardest he was supposed to protect her and now she could be dead. But she wasn’t dead right?

Lexie

Lexie saw the helicopter first she saw them and thought she was hallucinating from lack of sleep but she still went to see if they were real and then they landed and she looked at them like they were aliens because to her the idea that anyone would find more than their dead body was gone, but here they were. They were saying things that she could barely make out but they were pointing to a gurney, but she had to help everyone else and so she pointed to the way to the campsite and spoke. 

“There are more people over there and they need your help more than me.” Lexie told the paramedics “Ok we can help them but you can still go on the gurney.” the paramedic was trying to reassure her

“No you don’t understand they are in worse shape and you only have so much space on your helicopter you have to get them out first.” Lexie didn’t know if she was closer to crying or yelling “Ok ok my name is Derek and this is Spencer and Spencer here is going to check you out and then call for more helicopters for the rest of you ok?” said Derek looking for a compromise.

“Ok” Lexie said but all she could think of was that fact that there were now two Dereks she would have pointed it out but she was too tired to really form complex thoughts, so she answered the questions the paramedic asked and then promptly passed out she had done her job she had made sure no one else died and now she just needed to sleep.

Meredith 

Meredith was asleep. She woke up when Lexie got up. She had been using Lexie’s lap as a pillow and now the pillow was gone which was sad. Meredith also heard the helicopter but she thought that they were all just delusional that they were dying and so they were hallucinating. She let Lexie go and see because why not. So she was surprised when a paramedic asked if she was ok. 

For a second she couldn’t think she was so shocked that she couldn’t tell what the paramedic was asking

“Are you ok my name is Derek and I need to know if you are ok and we have helicopters so who needs to get out of here first.” Meredith finally deciphered what he was saying “Um Mark the one with who’s laying on the floor over there,” Meredith pointed to Mark “And Arizona, the blonde.” she then pointed at Arizona.

“Ok we will get them out of here and then we’ll come back for you and the others what's your name?” He saw how scared Meredth looked so he made small talk. 

He didn't expect what she would say next “Mere-meredith. Someone died and her body you need to get her body ok please?” Meredith looked close to tears. “Yeah of course. Here, some guys are going to put the people that are the worst and put them on the helicopter ok? And then we’re going to wait for my backup and when they come they're going to have two more helicopters and we're going to put the rest of you on them and you can show them where your friend’s body is. Does that sound good?” Derek felt bad for her. 

Emily (paramedic)

She had been told by Derek to go with the girl sitting on the rock to get the girl’s friend’s body. She was shocked that they did this well. She knew that they were doctors but it was just unbelievable. T

he woman who said her name was Meredith woke up a man and told him something. She saw the look of shock on the man's face and the smiles they both bared then her face changed and she looked sad. She said something else to the man and they both nodded grimly. 

She got up “Her body's this way but you're gonna need more people she was pinned under the wing.” the women, Meredith said.

Emily called for more backup and they walked and got to the wing of the plane, but she saw no one. Then Meredith pulled back a piece of metal and she saw a woman she had been dead for a few days and she saw Meredith start crying she saw JJ take her a way to comfort her and with the help of some more paramedic they were able to get her out she saw the injuries to her pelvis and knew from the moment the plane had crashed she had been doomed.

Emily wanted and didn’t want to know her name. She was a person and she was a best friend and she was a doctor and she was probably so much more. She wanted to know about her to see her as a person she knew that it would only make the sadness she felt worse. Days like this are why sometimes she wonders why she even works this job, a day where innocent people are hurt and sometimes killed.

Derek

Derek was confused why Meredith was waking him up, there was no more water for him to drink and no more food so why would she wake him up. “Derek, honey, there are paramedics there and they found us.” Meredith looked so happy

“Really we're going to be ok.” Derek said, smiling back. “ Yeah we're going to be ok they already took Mark and Arizona in the helicopter and they're going to load us up soon.” Meredith was still so happy “Ok ok this is great.” he said as he saw Meredith face fall “I have to show them where Cristina is.” she looked so sad “Hey it’s going to be ok we’re ok.” he wanted to reassure her that it was going to be ok

“Be strong for me be strong for Cristina.” he knew that Cristina would want Meredith to be strong “Ok.” Meredith said getting up.

Derek saw her walk away and for some reason he was scared that she wouldn't come back, but he knew that it was going to be ok if they had been found. He felt conflicted on whether he should be happy he wasn’t dead or annoyed that his career was gone. He decided to be happy he could live with teaching the rest of his career. 

Derek could hear the paramedics around him giving him water and probably bandaging his arm but he wasn’t really there as he was off in his head, thinking. Derek thought about Cristina as they bandaged his arm, he thought of his career when they gave him water, what they were going to do now as they loaded him onto the gurney, Owen as they gave him sedatives. Derek wondered if Owen knew by now he wasn’t sure what was better him knowing now or later. Derek hoped that everything would be ok. Things were going to change anyway how was this going to affect that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i named all the paramedics after criminal minds characters for no reason.


	8. Just For Her To Not Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are at the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decide to include burke and izzie but i dont know if burke's going to feature in other chapters

Bailey 

Bailey was sitting on a bus. That was all she could do at the moment she could do nothing else but sit and wait. Bailey saw everything, she saw the angry looks that Callie shot Alex, she saw how scared Owen looked, she saw their families and how worried they looked. She was scared too but she was also strong and whatever happened they would get through it.  
  
She wasn’t prepared for Cristina Yang to die though she saw the black bag rolling to the morgue, she saw the way Owen reacted, she saw him break down as he realized that the worst for him had come true that the love of his life was dead she saw the horrified look on Cristina's mom’s face as her daughter was dead.

She was in denial she knew that. Cristina was always going to make it from the first time she met her she knew that she was going to be a surgeon and that there was no stopping her. In a way Cristina reminded Bailey of herself, if she was not as short and spoke louder, a talented woman who would stop at nothing to win she was supposed to make it not die.

She went to see Meredith. She had brought Zola cause she thought that Meredith would like to see her. She saw how messed up Meredith looked and felt horrible for her. She was like her kid. She had raised Meredith Grey and right now she would be her mom. She had seen the smile that overtook Meredith when she saw Zola 

“How are you?, Do you need surgery?” She knew that she would probably overwhelm Meredith her question but she needed to know what was going on. “I’m ok. At the moment I don’t need surgery, Do you know if Derek's ok?” Bailey breathed a sigh of relief everything would be alright but her thoughts were cut off

“Can I ask you to do something.” Meredith looked sad “Of course.” at the moment Bailey would do anything for Meredith “ Can you call Izzie and Burke Cristina said that they deserve to hear it from someone and not the news can you do that for me?” For a second all the air left Bailey’s lungs

“She said to me before she di-died that she wanted you to know that she was sorry that she caused so much trouble and that she loved you.” Bailey was about to cry so she left “Yeah all go see if I can reach them ok you just stay here and get better.”

Bailey was walking away when she ran into Webber “How’s Meredith? Is she ok.” He stopped for a second, “Are you ok” Bailey looked close to tears but she nodded “She’s ok she doesn’t need surgery, right now she’s with her daughter.” Bailey stopped to take a breath “I need help with something, do you have the phone numbers of Burke and Izzie Stevens.” Bailey saw how confused Webber “I probably do, why do you ask Miranda.” he was confused

“Cristina before she died said that someone should call them that they deserve to know what happened, so do you have their numbers.” He gave Bailey their numbers and she set out to fulfill one of Cristina's dying wishes.

Burke 

Burke sat down on his bed next to his wife, Edra, he didn’t know what he was feeling.

“Something’s wrong, you can talk to me.” Edra told him “You know how I almost married someone else.” his expression was still straight but you could tell something was wrong “Yeah you told me about that before.” she was confused at what he was getting at

“She died.” He finally said “She’s dead.” there was a kind of finality in his voice, “What, how, when did you find out.” she was so confused while he just sat there “She was in a plane crash, someone she knew called me told me that before she died she had said to call me and another person that was close to her,”he said quickly “Are you going to her funeral.” she held no ill will to the women and to her that she was dead was horrible. “I don’t know I don’t even know if they want me there.”

Izzie

She was working when she got the call. She was a surgical oncologist she knew when she got the job that it was cheesy that she had got cancer and then became an oncologist. But it was the look on the face of her patient when she told them about how she had beat a cancer that made it all worth it.

She was reading a chart when Bailey called her. She thought that it was just Bailey calling her about her health she still did even after all this time. She remembered Baileys words exactly

“Hey Izzie how are you.” she sounded like she had been crying, “I know that you weren’t that close to her.” who was she talking about “Cristina was in a plane crash she didn’t make it.” what. “She asked before she died that you would be called. She wanted you to hear it from someone not hear it on the TV and have to piece it together.” That didn’t really sound like her but she was dying and people change when they’re about to die.

Bailey asked if she was ok and she said she was. She couldn’t read the chart and the words were blurring together. So she left the chart and went to the attending lounge, she sat down. She couldn’t believe Cristina Yang was dead, she was dead, she couldn’t believe it. She was in denial and she knew it but that doesn’t mean that coming to terms with the fact she is dead. 

She went to the head of surgery for oncology “I need a couple weeks off at most.” she hated to take too much time off work but she needed to be there “Why?” The head of surgery was confused “My friend from up in Seattle just died and I need to be there.” she didn’t want to give too much information. The head off surgery agreed to give her some time off. With that she was off, off to console Meredith to see all the people even if it wasn’t at a great time.

Teddy

Teddy was exhausted but she didn’t have time to be exhausted. First she was told what had happened, then she was on a bus, then she was at the hospital, then she was pulling a distraught Owen away from a dead Cristina, a dead Cristina.

She was too exhausted to even try to process what she felt about Cristina being dead. Teddy knows that Owen needs her right now so she grabs and pulls him away. Owen’s not really fighting back; he's mostly dead weight so she throws him on a bed in a oncall room and he’s not as distraught. He just sits there looking sad and she sits next to him and asks if he’s ok.

He doesn’t respond.

This is not how it’s supposed to go. Cristina’s supposed to come back ok, talking about how she saved two baby lives, not in a body bag. She’s still not sure how she’s supposed to feel about it. Teddy leaves Owen alone and she is exhausted. She needs a coffee; Cristina liked coffee; she remembers her order; she thinks about ordering it, but she doesn’t.

She goes to see Arizona, she doesn’t look great, she goes back to see Owen, he doesn’t look great either.

They’re both hanging on for dear life to something they’re going to lose, they don’t want to lose it though they want to hang on until they fall off. Teddy goes to see Bailey. She's crying, she has a note. The note was given to her by Meredith.

It has all the things Cristina wanted to say to people before she died. She saw what Cristina had said to her and she wanted to cry. She had gotten to know Cristina pretty well before she died, she was a good person she had wanted to help people and now she had died on the way to help people.

Callie 

Callie was feeling so much her wife was probably going to lose her leg and she was going to try her hardest to make sure she didn’t. One of her close friends who she had lived with for years was dead. She asked Arizona about Cristina, Arizona just looked sad Arizona said that at least she wasn’t alone when she died.

Callie was mad at Alex. She knows that she was being a little unreasonable, that he had no idea that the plane would crash. She was still angry but she knew that she shouldn't attack him that he had just lost a friend, but she had lost Cristina too and now she might lose Arizona.

She saw Teddy pull Owen away from Cristina and she wondered if that would be her soon if she would lose Arizona and then be the distraught widow having to be pulled away from a dead body. She felt horrible for Owen knowing about the plane crash having to tell himself that she would be alive just for her to not be. 


	9. No One Was Angry And No One Was Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they are still in thinking and maybe now they are ignoring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing really happens in the plot right now so this is mostly filler with a really badly messed up timeline and

Owen 

Owen couldn’t believe this was happening. He had done it, he had found them and yet Cristina was dead. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen. She was supposed to be alive, he wanted to believe with all his heart that this was just some elaborate practical joke where she would just pop out of a wall and scare him but everytime he looked at the walls he saw no one.

Owen was thankful that Teddy had brought him into a on call room he didn’t want to be around anyone.

He heard Teddy ask him something probably if he was ok, he just wanted her to leave he wanted to be alone. Teddy left and he was alone with his thoughts, He hated how Cristina had died before they made up that she had died mad at him, he hated himself for causing her pain for being the reason she wanted to leave he had known that she was going to leave but it wasn’t supposed to end like this 

He thought of a different world where everything was ok where they were eating dinner and she was talking about how she saved someone’s life or how she had done some cool surgery. He wanted to stay in that world where everything was ok where they were happy and ok and no one was angry and no one was dead.

Arizona 

Arizona was awake. They hadn’t cut her leg off, that was good. She wonders if she is being unreasonable wanting to keep her leg, she knows that even if all this experimental stuff works she is going to be in pain. Her leg is more than just a leg, it means something that is to be shown, but it means something and that something she is not ready to give up. 

Arizona is in less pain so she thinks of Cristina. She thinks of how she must have felt, she wonders if she was in pain, she hopes not, Cristina left messages Callie told her the one she had left for them. Arizona had known Cristina pretty well and had learned things about her, but Callie and Cristina were close and she hoped that Callie would be ok. Callie asked her how she felt she didn’t know anymore she was in pain but less pain and more itching, itching that reached her bone but that she couldn’t itch because there was no itch. 

Izzie 

Izzie was driving to the airport. For a while she was able to convince her brain that she was just going to see the friends that she hadn’t seen in years. But that wasn’t what was going on, someone close to her had died and she was going to see what she could do.

Izzie didn’t know what she had felt about Cristina; was it admiration, was it jealousy? Cristina was alway going to make it; there was no doubt in anyone's minds that Cristina Yang was going to be a surgeon. 

Izzie remembers thinking she was going to die, she remembers how scary it was knowing that the time you have left might be short. She can’t imagine having only a few minutes to say your goodbyes to the people you love and to the world. She hopes that Meredith is ok. She wouldn’t be ok if she watched her best friend die.

She remembers how it felt when George died, how hopeless and scary everything seemed, how when she would look at something there would be a memory of George that would come up, how sometimes everything reminded you of them and it was hard to breath or think and you just miss them so much.

She was at the airport and she was on a plane and she called Bailey and she didn’t pick up and the flight was a couple hours and she couldn’t do anything. She, thankfully, was in the window seat, she was next to a man who introduced himself as Harry

“Why are you going to Seattle?” he was trying to break the silence “My friend just died.” she didn’t know why she was telling him this, “Oh I’m sorry I asked.” he felt “No, no it”s ok.” It was her fault for telling the truth and not just making up a lie.

“If you don’t mind me asking were you close.” he was curious about their relationship. “We weren’t that close but she was a good person who deserved a good life.” Harry thought that sounded sad so he changed the conversation “What do you do for a living.” Izzie wasn’t shocked at the change of subject. She answered the question and asked her own soon they were having a nice conversation and for sometime she didn’t have to think about death.

Alex

Alex felt horrible. He just felt so horrible. His friend was dead, and he was the reason that Arizona’s leg was going to be chopped off. Cristina was dead, she was gone and he just couldn’t believe it he saw the note that was being passed around he wasn’t sure who gave it to him and then he was even more angry. 

At times he hated Cristina but she wasn’t a bad person, she could be really nice to be around and she was passionate. She wanted a thing she was going to get or die trying. He found it vaguely ironic that she died a surgeon on the way to save lives. She would have liked that she got to do surgery to the end. He wondered how he was going to die, was he going to die of old age or illness or would he get in an accident. He never thought he would make it to adulthood; he definitely never thought he would be a surgeon.

Lexie 

Lexie was tired. She was in the hospital and she remembered everything. She wishes she could just forget something for once. She remembers Meredith crying over Cristina’s dead body and she remembers Mark collapsing and she remembers picking the bugs out of Arizona’s leg she remembers it all and she hates it.

She sits up and there are people near her asking how she is and she wants to be ok she really wants to be ok but she needs to get up and the people say she can’t that she might pass out if she does but she can’t stay in that bed she can’t just stay still or all the memories invade her mind and she doesn’t want that.

She’s scared of what will happen when she has to sleep if she can’t even sit down, how will she sleep and she knew that not sleeping won’t work and that that will just lead to a breakdown and she didn’t want that.

So she did the next best thing and asked for a wheelchair and asked if she could go to Meredith’s room and all her thoughts were racing around her brain and she was so tired but she was scared to sleep.

She went and said hi to Meredith. Meredith looked ok, Meredith told her that Bailey had taken Zola away so that she could rest but that she was glad to see that Lexie was awake. Lexie knew that it was pointless to talk about the elephant in the room she knew that maybe Meredith wasn’t ready to talk so she didn’t ask.

She let Meredith just talk; she would interject with comments sometimes, but it was really nice to just hear Meredith rant about things it made everything seem normal. She just sat in Meredith's room just listening then she said Meredith said something that mentioned Cristina and she saw Meredith stop for a second the sadness over taking her face and then she was back to normal just talking.

She couldn’t really judge how Meredith was coping, she was scared to sleep, she just hoped that Meredith would be ok that everything would go back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probaby one of the worst chapters content wise so sorry you do get sad owen and meredith in denial though.


	10. She Couldn’t And It Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they're still not doing great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this get more done plot wise

April

April felt like a horrible person, she had been complaining about how she failed her boards while Cristina had died. Cristina was someone that she was friends with. Sometimes she was annoying and rude but she was helpful and she was trying her best. She remembered where Cristina one time helped her with stitches. Cristina didn't like her but she was helping her because she wanted to.

April was given a note it was from Meredith. Cristina before she died had said something that was meant for her. April wanted to laugh. It was the nicest thing that Cristina had ever said to him. She didn’t know why she founded it so hilarious that the nicest thing that Cristina had said to her was in death.

Owen was April's mentor and she couldn’t imagine what he was going through. She wasn’t sure what was going to happen at seattle grace, she wasn’t going to be a surgeon anymore and she didn't know what was going to happen with Owen and Mark and Derek.

For April, Meredith seemed ok, she seemed like she was going to be o, but April was sceptical she had just lost her best friend and almost her sister and husband and she was just ok that to April didn’t make sense but she couldn’t blame her for wanting to pretend that everything was ok she probably would do that in her situation.

April remembered when Reed died she remembered seeing her dead body and being so scare she remembered how she didn’t think or talk about it for ages and how scared she was to talk about it because talking about it made it really she could otherwise pretend that Reed had just gone off to another hospital. 

Lexie

Lexie was scared to see Mark scared of all the tubes and gadgets that had to be sticking out of him. They had asked her once more before she was drugged and put on a plane if she wanted to see him. 

They had to fly on a plane she hated that. Lexie and Meredith both agreed that it was better if they were drugged so they asked they said it would be best for their mental state. Lexie had seen the new they were all over the new they were celebrities and she hated it.

Lexie was ok she was going to be ok that’s what told Jackson and April and Bailey and her dad and her sister and everyone who asked, that’s what she told herself that she was ok. But everytime she closed her eyes she was in the woods watching everything happen and not being able to do anything, everytime she took a step she was running around trying to save everyone.

She couldn't look at her shoulder because it made her think screaming so loud and no one there to help. Sometimes it was hard to look at Meredith because all she could think of were those days in the woods, Maybe that is why she’s scared to look at Mark scared that all she would see is him collapsing and blood pouring out of his chest and she would forget how much she loved him.

Teddy 

Teddy was with Owen on the bus they sat together. Teddy was scared, Owen had said barely anything and he was just looking out the window. Everyone but Bailey and Webber were on the bus. Bailey and Webber were on the plane with the plane crash victims. She felt bad for them. They had to go on a plane with sick people and a dead body. Cristina’s dead body they were bringing her to Seattle but her mother wanted her buried with her father in LA and Owen was in no place to question her choices.

She remembered when she had lost Henry she remembered the feeling of just hopelessness, she had been annoying and she had made Cristina repeat the exact things that had happened in the OR back to her for weeks. She remembered how Cristina had done just that she hadn’t complained she had helped her figure out and come to terms with what had happened she was. So she would repay the favor she would help Owen do whatever he needed to do to move on.

Meredith 

Meredith could feel the itchy hospital sheets and the TV and she knew that she was in the hospital and, thankfully, not out in the woods. She and Lexie had agreed that it was better if they were sedated on the plane ride and she was glad that they had been able to do that.

She had had a nice talk with Lexie, she did see that way that Lexie looked at her with pity and worry and she knew that nothing she could say or do would make it go away. She could still be annoyed though.

Her dad came to visit her. She thought that he would only visit Lexie but he came in and asked if she was ok and how she was doing, she didn’t know what to feel about it.

Seattle Grace Mercy West was always a home for Meredith, hospitals were always a home for Meredith she had grown up in them she had been raised in them. She was happy when she was able to go back to what was in a way her home.

It hurt sometimes she looked outside her room and saw the nurses desk and she thought of talking and laughing with Cristina. She wanted to get up and go to the desk and pretend like she was still there like she could go into a memory but she couldn’t and it hurt.

Lexie and Meredith due to their lack of severe injuries they were discharged with orders to rest. Alex and the others got back from their bus ride and after seeing Derek who at the moment hadn't woken up she went back to her house.

She sat on her bed and thought of all the times that Cristina would come over and climb into bed so she left the room and sat on the couch but that too was infected with memories of Cristina that she wasn't sure if she wanted to avoid at all cost or jump into. She didn’t know what to do or where to go. She knew that she wasn’t going to be able to go anywhere while Alex was around. Right now Alex was her person, Cristina was gone and Derek was in the hospital and Lexie was too fragile right now and she needed to put herself first right now.

Meredith's saving grace was a call from Bailey ,on her home phone, saying that Izzie was here and she wanted to see Meredith. Meredith now had a legitimate reason for leaving the house and despite how uncomfortable it was going to be with how Izzie left and the reasons that they were all meeting again it would be nice to see her. So she told Alex and enjoyed the look on his face and for a second she thought about the fact that two of them were dead first O’Malley and then Yang it was scary to think of when they first met when they were all so young and hopeful and now two people were dead. 

Alex

Alex was on a bus. He was on a bus with a bunch of sad scared people and he was angry, angry at the world for being terrible to good people and at himself for letting good people get hurt. He should have been on that plane he should be in pain, he should be the one who might lose his leg but he’s not and everyone knows it, Callie knows it and sometimes the looks she throws him make him want to just scream.

Alex is with Meredith at Meredith house. She needed someone there to wake her up every two hours and make sures she didn't die and he was the best man for the job. He knows that if she was still alive that this is Cristina's job but he knows that right now that’s what Meredith needs. A makeshift Cristina, a makeshift person.

Meredith told him out of nowhere that Izzie he knew that she was savoring the look on his face from learning that his ex-wife was coming to see her friend in the wake of her other friends death the situation was just really weird and if he was being honest he wanted nothing to do with but he was going to be there for Meredith and if that meant really awkward conversation so be it.

Alex wasn’t sure how Izzie would feel about Cristina’s death; they hadn’t been that close; she remembered that Izzie had alway felt a little jealous of how close Meredith and Cristina were. He remembers being a little jealous of Meredith and Cristina because because they knew each other and he wanted that type of closeness and he knows with the way he acts he probably will never get close enough to a person to feel that 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they will talk to Izzie next chapter and thank you for reading and if you have any constructive criticism please tell me because i would like to improve my writing.


	11. Pull Them Out Of The Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the talk to Izzie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my writing is not great and the Meredith part is not very good.

Derek

Derek when he woke up he was in the ICU. He recognized the room for he had been in the room many times on the other side of the bed. He remembers the paramedics finding him and he remembers them putting him on a plane, he remembers being in Boise and being in pain, he remembers all of that and he tries not to remember those days in the woods. 

He knows that he will have to remember at some point because they’ll make him go to a therapist and the therapist will want to know how he felt as he broke his own and hand and damned his surgical career and he will have to tell them something or else he will never work anywhere. 

Derek wonders what will happen next, he is mostly resigned to the fact that he will most likely never operate again, he may teach, or consult but never operate and that does sadden him that thought that he will never stand at an operating table and save a life in that way again. Of course there is hope for some experimental stuff that might help him and it might not but what he has to lose?

He thinks of Meredith she didn’t have that bad of injuries, she had probably been discharged at this point he hopes she oks he asks the nurse, who’s name is Sally, when he can see her and she tells him that she’s been discharged and they can try to find her but she might be somewhere else. He’s ok with that as long as she is ok and not dead he’s ok.

Meredith

Meredith is, if she is being honest with herself, scared to see Izzie. Izzie reminds her of the old days, the old days where Cristina was still alive and everything was ok and she liked Izzie but she was scared of those days, scared to think of them.

“How are you doing.” Izzie was the first one to break the silence. “I’m doing just dandy, how is life going in Kansa?” Meredith replied back “Ok it’s not Seattle but it's pretty nice out there, it's quiet.” Everyone nodded at what she said and no one spoke and they just looked at eachother 

“Well I’m going to go see Derek and you can come if you’d like.” Meredith said, Alex looked like he wasn’t sure he wanted to see more of Izzie but Meredith wanted to tourture them both a little.

When Meredith walked into Derek's room he was awake and she ran to him as fast as she could on crutches and all she could feel was relief at the fact that he was ok and she felt so much better.   
She hugged him “How are you doing.” she was so happy that he was ok. “Pretty good I’m not going to die.”he was really tired from the pain meds but he was happy to see Meredith “That’s good, I’m not dying either.” they kept talking, talking about when Derek would get out of the hospital and lots of random things.

As they were leaving Meredith asked Izzie, “Do you have a place to stay because you can stay at my house it can be like old times.” Mereith ignored the fact that for it to be like old times they would need two more people that both were long gone. “Sure if you're both ok with that.” Izzie looked up at Alex “Yeah sure if you need some place to stay there is an open room.” he sounded awkward but he was trying to be nice, Meredith found it funny she wanted to egg him on she was sad and bored and it was kinda funny.

When they got back to her house she saw Lexie sitting on the porch “Can I stay here for a while? I just can’t be around my father right now,” she asked when Meredith went up to her “Of course my house is now a hotel for the weary.” Meredith told Lexie. 

Meredith was glad that Lexie was here; she knew what Meredith was going through, how hard it was to move around when every step feels like your back there.

Alex 

Alex didn’t want to see Izzie he didn’t want to see her and have to talk to her so when she asked if he was ok with her staying where he was staying he wanted to say no but he couldn’t because maybe Meredith needed her and maybe Meredith just found how awkward they were funny and she needed that.

He was extra annoyed when Lexie wanted to stay but that was Meredith's choice and he knew that she wasn’t going to turn her away and now he had two of his exs where he was staying. 

Alex was scared to see Arizona because she was going through something and he was one of the reasons she was going through it and he wished he could take her place he wished that he could lay down in her hospital bed and she could be running around annoyed he would do anything to make it right even if he could nothing. 

He wished so many things he wished that Cristina was still alive. He wished he knew what would happen with the hospital with at least two heads of surgery gone for the foreseeable future and a chief of surgery that just lost the love of his life and he knew that he couldn’t go to Hopkins yet and he didn’t know if they would even save him a spot.

Alex thought that being around both Meredith and Izzie in the house they were in was weird it felt like they were missing something like they needed O’Malley and Yang like they were there sitting next to them drinking beer and watching movies but that they couldn’t be there like they were trapped in memories and he wanted to pull them out of the memories and plop them down next to them so they could watch movies in the present. 

Lexie 

Lexie couldn’t be next to her father right now she just couldn’t and she didn’t know why she just couldn’t. So she left and went to Meredith's house. She told him and she left. She sat on her porch until she came and then she pleaded her case and of course Meredith let Lexie stay. 

Lexie thought that everyone was being to awkward and she knew that they were all thinking of dead people and she didn’t want to think of dead people but if everyone was thinking of dead people then she was thinking of dead people and she didn’t want that so she asked “Hey Mer do you want to go shopping for phones.” Lexie needed to get out of the house and she needed a new phone, so she had a perfect reason for her to get out of the house and to Meredith with her. 

“Sure I do need a new phone.” Lexie was really happy that Meredith would be going with her if she was being honest Lexie didn’t want to be alone she was really happy until Alex chimed in “Aren’t you both supposed to be resting I don’t think resting includes shopping for phones.” Alex said looking at Lexie “If you want I can go and buy you both phones but you shouldn't be up and moving too much.” Alex worried that either one of them might collapse if they tried to walk around a mall.

After her idea to buy phones was shot down by Alex, Lexie was left with her thoughts. She was scared to see Mark. She was scared that he would die and if he was dying she wanted to see him before he died but she couldn’t get herself to go to the hospital she didn’t know what was happening and she couldn’t get herself to go into his room. 

She remembered how late at night she would promise him that he would be ok and that they would be ok. She didn’t know if he could hear her but she confessed her love to him. She knew that she had left a part of herself in that forest but she wasn’t sure what part and she didn’t know if she would need that part in the future and it wouldn’t be there. She hoped it wasn’t needed because she wasn’t sure she had the courage to get it back.

Owen

Owen didn’t want to go back into Cristina’s and his house but he needed clothes and stuff from there but he couldn’t go in he was scared he would go in and he wouldn’t be able to get out that he would drop to the floor and he would cry and he would and he wouldn’t be able to crawl his way out. 

Teddy got some clothes for him. She went in and grabbed a suitcase and she stuffed as many clothes as she could in it and she grabbed his tooth brush and she got out of there as fast as she could. Owen was thankful that she was doing this for him she was thankful that he had such a great friend, he remembered how much Cristina had admired Teddy and everything was ruined he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do stop thinking of Cristina until it stopped hurting he wondered if that worked if he just stopped thinking of Cristina would it stop hurting?

Cristina had wanted him to be ok. That's what she wanted from him and by ignoring that she had existed made him ok then she would be ok with it right? She just wanted him to be ok after the pain he had caused her she just wanted him to be ok. 

Teddy’s house was nice, she had a nice and the couch where he was going to be sleeping was nice. She had ordered chinese takeout. Cristina has loved chinese takeout they used to eat it once a week. Those had been the good days before everything was hard; he missed those days they were nice.

Teddy 

Teddy didn’t want to go into Cristina’s home but it was either her or Owen and she didn’t know how Owen would handle being around so much that was just infused with Cristina. So she went in for him she ran through the house she opened his drawers she stuffed as many clothes as she could fit in the suitcase she had found as she could fit and she raced to the bathroom skipping over all of Cristina's stuff hoping she wouldn’t have to look at, she grabbed toothbrush when she saw it was a necklace she had only seen Cristina wear it once she had told her that her dad had given it to her and that it was her dad’s birthday so she wore it. Teddy wanted to cry. It was Cristina’s necklace that she had probably treasured and Cristina would never look or wear it again was just another thing lost to time.

The drive to Teddy's was silent. She wanted to say something but what was there to say. 

She had been so angry at Owen when Henry had died and maybe Owen wanted to be angry at her and she would let him because if that was what he needed then she would do. She saw that Owen was scared of what was next and she didn’t know. 

She wondered if Owen would ever be the person he was before Cristina died and she wanted him to be ok she didn’t want him to be in pain, but what was she supposed to do was she supposed to watch his every move to make sure that he would be ok, was she supposed to just let him go do his own thing she wanted to know and Teddy knew that she wasn’t going to get any answers on what she was supposed to do but she could hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. criticism is welcome


	12. There Was Blood On Her Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith dreams, Owen reflects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is really soon i don't usually update this much so here you go 
> 
> Trigger warning Suicide (Cristina jumps off a cliff in Meredith dream)

Webber 

Webber had done everything that he needed to do; he had gotten everyone back home to Seattle he had taken over as interim chief of surgery for the time being. When he told Owen he was surprised at his reaction of resignation like he knew there was nothing he could do.

He wonders what Owen will do, Cristina spent most of her time at the hospital, she at times lived in the hospital. If he was in Owen's position he didn’t know if he would be able to work at the hospital again.

Webber didn’t know what to do with April Kepner, he had needed a trauma surgeon as Owen was on indefinite leave and one of the others that he had been sure was staying was pulling out because

“Too many bad things happen in this hospital I’m going somewhere else.”

The lady had a point but now he was down two trauma surgeons and he really needed the man power. But Kepner had failed her boards and he didn’t understand how she was the one he was most sure was going to pass either Avery or Karev were the ones that he wasn’t too sure about, but Kepner she was alway supposed to pass. Something had to have happened in order for Kepner to fail her boards and he wanted to know what it was and if it would affect her performance.

He hadn’t known Cristina very well but she was a good surgeon. He remembered that she had had a spark that not everyone had and he had known that she was going to make it, that no matter what happened she would be a surgeon.

He had been like that he was determined to make it no matter what everyone said. Webber saw himself in Cristina the determination they both wanted to be the best no matter what it was in their blood to be competitive he remembered years ago battling Cristina Yang at a lab and he remembered how he was losing and how he had won and how she loved to win and that when he knew that she would be a good surgeon.

Owen 

Owen had five casseroles. He had five pity casseroles and he didn’t want pity casseroles because that meant he had something to pity and and he didn’t want that either. At least he had enough food for a while and the pity didn’t affect the taste too much.

Cristina would have loved this; she hated cooking, she would have disliked that Owen wasn’t at work though.

But he couldn’t go in. She had loved that hospital. It was like a second home her family was there and he was supposed to just go into the hospital and pretend like everything was the same to, ignore the memorial that they had probably put up, to just work and pretend that he was ok with working without her. 

Owen was still at Teddy’s house. He could go to his mom’s house and stay there but he didn’t want his mom to see him like this so sad and broken, so he stayed at Teddy's.

He was scared to go home, he didn’t really even know if she could call it home anymore without Cristina everything was different without Cristina. He didn’t know what he was going to do with the apartment.

He couldn't stay in it anymore and he didn’t really want to sell it, he had good memories even if they overshadowed by the her death they were still good memories, dancing and drinking wine and being happy and he wanted to hold onto those memory, like when they tried to make a cake for his birthday and it after while just turned in to a flour fight. He wanted to feel that happiness again and he knew that he might never but he wants to so bad

When Teddy came back from the store he asked if she could drive him to his house that he’ll be ok and that he’ll walk home and that he wants to go on a walk and she agrees to. He stands on the outside of his house and he wants to go in but he also just wants to stand outside for a bit, collect himself, take it all in and then collecting all his courage he goes in and he just stands in the middle of his apartment like how he stood outside.

He remembers their last argument and he wants to cry, wants to scream about how unfair, that his life is so stupid and he hates everything. He wants to grab something and just throw it a break something like how he broken but he doesn’t because he doesn’t want to ruin anything more.

Owen sees all this stuff and all of them have stories, stories that he doesn’t really want to think of but they're invading his mind and he wants to leave but his body is stuck and he wants to puke. As soon as Owen gets control of his body he runs out of the building like it’s on fire and for some reason he hopes it is.

Meredith 

Meredith fell asleep and she dreamed of Cristina. She was climbing a big hill and at the top was Cristina she was just sitting there looking out to the sky “Hey Mer how are you? sit down next to me.” Meredith ran to her.

She wanted to hug her but she couldn't. She just sat down. “ Cristina please come back I need you, please.” She would do anything if it meant that she would get to see Cristina again.

“You know I’m gone, you just need to accept it. Do it for me.” She looked at Meredith now.

“I don’t need to do anything for you. You died, you left me.” Meredith wanted to scream that Cristina shouldn’t get to talk; she wasn’t the one who had to live with her absence. Meredith knew that she was being irrational and angry but it was a dream it didn’t matter so she yelled.

“You left everyone we were supposed to be happy then you had to die and leave and you messed everything up you messed everyone up you messed me up!” she was angry she knew that she shouldn’t resent Cristina for dying but she did.

“It’s ok you're mad I understand I'm sorry but I need to go now.”

Cristina stood up, Meredith wanted to run after her she wanted to grab her and pull her back into the land of the living but she couldn’t move she couldn’t yell at her and Cristina was walking to the edge of the hill that now seemed like a cliff and she jumped off and now something was pushing Meredith off that cliff and she was falling and there was blood on her hands and she didn’t know whose blood it was was it her blood was it Cristina’s was it Marks it was someone's blood and she didn’t want to know so she closed her eyes. 

When she opened her eyes she was laying on her coach and there were people asleep all around her. She got up to get some water and she saw Lexie in the kitchen

“You can’t sleep?” Meredith asked quietly “I didn’t try, I’m too scared. You were sleeping earlier, how'd that go for you?” Lexie grabbed a cup for Meredith and filled it up from that tap.

“Ok I dreamed of Cristina. If I’m being honest it was freaky and I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep anymore.”

Lexie just nodded while grabbing a kettle from the cabinet “What are you doing.” Meredith asked, trying to find out what her sister was doing. “I’m making tea. Do you want some?” She filled the kettle with water and turned the stove “Sure, that sounds nice.”

They were standing in awkward silence “I’m scared to close my eyes sometime, scared that I’ll open them and be there.” Lexie needed someone to talk to and so did Meredith

“When we were out there sleep was a refuge and now it’s been ruined.” Meredith started to pour out her problems “And I feel so angry at Cristina for dying and I’m scared to talk about her because that makes it real and I don’t want it to be.” Meredith at this point was close to crying

“I’m scared to see Mark because I’m scared that all my feelings for him will be overshadowed with him almost dying and I don’t want that but I’m scared that he’ll die and I’ll have never seen him before he died.”

Meredith starts to laugh and Lexie joins in “I don’t know why I find it funny but were both just so messed and it’s kinda hilarious.” She laughs even louder but they get cut off by the sound of the kettle and Meredith rushes to grab two mugs and put tea bags in them and as she is done Lexie pours the water in and they smile at each other “Do you want to make pancakes.” 

Derek

Derek thought it was nice when Meredith came to visit because he was doing better she even got to bring Zola with her.

Zola had been staying with Bailey but now that Meredith was back and ok she got to get Zola back. They talked aimlessly about things, apparently Meredith and Lexie had made pancakes, and how they talked about what they wanted to do with their lives. He wasn't sure why they were having this conversation but they were and it was ok.

After he got better they decided they were going to take a trip and they were going to have fun and it was going to be nice and they both knew that they were scared of dying and they wanted to do everything before they died, they were scared the something would happen out of nowhere and they would regret their lives, but even so a trip would be nice.

They talked about when Meredith was going to get back to work and when Derek would get discharged and they just talked.

At some point Meredith had to leave and Derek was left alone in the dark. He had never been afraid of the dark before now and he was scared, scared the a wolf would come out of nowhere and eat him and he would die and he scared of the wind and the whistling and he knew that he’s in the hospital and he not back there but the everything feels like he back there and he feels like how he felt before he fell asleep the anxiety of not knowing if he would wake up and not know what would happen next and the feeling was similar not knowing what was happening and he couldn’t handle it he need to knew what was going on but there was nothing going on nothing was changing for better or worse. 

Callie 

Callie could do nothing but wait. Arizona was going to respond to the antibiotics or she wasn’t and what to do from there was something she would figure out. Arizona was hard to be around and she knew that that is a horrible thing to think but she is the woman that she loves is in pain and she can’t do anything and she wished she could. She know that amputation was the safer less painful option but she also knows that Arizona doesn’t want that, to Arizona she the leg means more than just a limb it means a lot more it symbolizes thing she’s not sure what exactly but it symbolizes things and she know that if Arizona loses her leg she will lose a lot more.

Callie goes and visits Mark whenever she can she talks to him and begs him to live. Every time she passes the memorial for Cristina she wants to cry, she wants to tear it apart, she wants it to have never existed. She wants Cristina to have never existed, maybe it would be easier that way if she never existed or if they lived in other states and had never met and she was just some new story. The news was everywhere

“One dead in plane crash from Seattle, Washington to Boise Idaho. Investigation into why the plane crashed ongoing.”,

“Plane full of surgeons was found Saturday morning, one victim was confirmed dead at the scene, updates from the rest are not known.”

She hated how the news was everywhere and she didn’t know why maybe it’s because one of her patients asks her if she knew anyone on the plane and she almost pukes or how there are reporters outside and how loud they were and how they wanted to know all about all the people, about how they were people. Callie hated it and she hated everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't decided if im going to kill off mark let so when i decided he'll get a chapter. i feel really bad for meredith this chapter but she does talk about her feeling with Lexie which is good.


	13. I Don’t Know How I’m Ok, I Really Wished I Did.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith is in denial, Lexie is about to break down, and April is having a mini crisis of faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This a really short chapter but I wanted to post something and I got writer block so bare with me.

Meredith

Today was going to be a bad day for Meredith, she knew that it was going to be a bad day when she woke up, everything hurt a little more, her head, her thigh everything. During breakfast she just wanted to scream at everyone for no reason, but she didn't. She ate her eggs and she got in the car with Alex and they drove off. 

When she got to the hospital she was in the lobby Alex had gone off to work when she saw it, Cristina’s memorial, she didn’t know why it affected her so much usually it wouldn’t but she couldn’t get it out of her head and then she needed to puke and then she was bent over the toilet and and she was puking and crying and she hated it and she hated how she felt, everything hurt and she was a bundle of emotions and she was going to break at some point. 

She didn’t really want to see Derek right now, she couldn’t see Derek right now so she left. As she was leaving she saw Bailey on her way out and asked her to tell Derek that she wouldn’t be able to see him today and that she was doing stuff, Bailey promised to relay her message and she was off. She had never really just explored Seattle. Her life was tied to the hospital. She never got that far from the hospital, it was like a lifeline, it was constant, so she never strayed, and maybe her life was a little boring because of it but it was her life. 

When she had first gotten home after the crash one of the first things she had done was turn up the heat until it was almost unbearable, she wanted to forget it had ever happened and the cold made her feel like it was still happening and she couldn’t bear feeling like it was still happening. If she was being honest she couldn’t bear any of it, all of it was too much, too much trauma, too much death. Sometimes she wonders if she’s cursed, sometimes she hopes that she is cursed because at least then she’ll have a reason, a cause.

Meredith wants to do lots of things. The question is what to do first, scream, or cry, or just stop. Sometimes she wants to be able to just freeze time for a second and just breathe or think of where she’s going and what she’s doing but that’s not how the world works. The world moves and you have to move with it or get lost in the movement, the twirl of the dance. So she walks she walks and she doesn’t think about anything, she walks and she doesn’t worry or have an emotion she just walks and when she reaches a park she sits down and she cries and she doesn't know why she’s crying or even if there’s a reason but she crying, and maybe this is just to much maybe life is just to much for her, and then a lady sits down next to her 

“You look like you had a bad day.” she wonders why this random lady is talking to but she responds “Yeah.” She responded before her brain really even processed the question. “Me too.” And the lady was talking, she was speaking and and speaking about everything and if she was being honest it was nice the lady didn't know her and they would most likely never speak again. The things she said were honest, they had nothing to do with her or her problems and that made it better and when the lady left she felt better.

She sneaks into Cristina’s apartment, Cristina gave her keys, but she’s dead so it’s still sneaking. Owens is sitting on the bed, she sits next to him “How are you.” She says something so arbitrary so normal while he’s in place, a situation, that is nothing but normal. “Good.” His voice cracks and he sounds like he’s in pain. 

“Are you ever angry at Cristina for dying like you just want to scream at her.” She thinks that maybe he will know what she’s feeling. “Yeah, sometimes I just want to scream, sometimes I hate her so much that I can’t tell what's love and what’s hate.” At least one person was feeling how she was feeling. “I’m sorry.” The comment took Meredith by surprise “What for.” She wanted to know why he felt sorry he was in pain too. “You had to watch her die, if I was in your place I don’t know what I would be doing.” She wished he didn’t bring that up but he did and he was right. How is she ok? “I don’t know how I’m ok, I really wished I did.”

Lexie 

Lexie knew that she was going to crash at some point, she was car on fire and it was only a matter of time before she crashed and burned, the real question was who was going to crash and burn first her or Meredith, she was betting on herself. Meredith had left this morning and she could see the way she looked at things and she knew that she isn’t ok but what is supposed to do, she’s not ok either. 

She promises herself that she’ll see Mark tomorrow but she doesn’t know what will happen tomorrow and maybe she just wants to live by the day. She scared and she wants to be ok she wants to forget everything and be ok but she can’t forget she can’t forget anything and most of the times it's a gift, a blessing, it’s how she got through med school, but sometimes it hard to remember everything, sometimes it’s hard to remember being shot and sometimes it hard to remember pulling your sister away from her dead best friend and sometimes it’s hard to remember blood gushing out of the love of your lives chest, and sometimes it’s just hard to remember anything. 

For some reason it already feels like Mark is gone like he’s gone away and she hasn’t even tried to pull him back in and she doesn’t know how she’s supposed to. Is she supposed to sit at his bedside and cry? Is she supposed to plead with him, with God, is that all she can do, plead and cry? She wonders if he even wants her to be his bedside, he might not even want her. What does she even mean to him? They aren’t a couple and they weren’t a couple before the crash, so what does it change?

April

April prays, it’s what she does whenever she doesn’t know what to do or what’s happening. She prays for help, she prays for guidance, she prays that everything would be ok. April sees death everyday, some days it harder than others, some days it feels like she can't breathe, like every breath is tainted with death and that with every breath she’s breathing in death. 

Sometimes she wants to see everything about death to study it to learn everything she can about it because in some way it makes it better to exhaust every option to know you did everything you could to save someone to make it have purpose and meaning. She wants to do that to Cristina. She wants to study every scratch and injury, find a way out of death, find something they could have done to make it better and make her live. She knows that it won’t change anything, it won’t bring her back but she wants to know that her death was inevitable, that nothing would change, that no one was at fault. That the world has no rules, god has no rules. 

At the moment she hates God she hates, how the world has no rules, how good people suffer and die and how bad people get off without a scratch she hates it. If there are no rules, no morals, why do you do anything, why do you live if you have no rules to follow. She wishes there were rules, real rules set in stone, so those who break them get punished and those who follow get rewarded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading i hope you have a wonderful day.


	14. But You Are Left To Sort Out The Mess They Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people are at cristina's apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi sorry that i didn't update for for a while, i'm just a little stuck and so this chapter is shorter then normal.

Alex 

Alex goes back to work. He doesn’t really want to but he needs to get his mind off of everything and if cutting and saving is how he’ll do it, that’s ok with him, technically he’s still on leave but with all the chaos he can probably sneak in. He wants to see Arizona so badly make sure she’s really alive, hug and feel that she won’t disappear, won’t die. 

He can still feel Cristina’s spirit in the hospital, her laugh, her passion. How she said she was proud of him, he can still hear the words and he wishes they could stick around forever that, feeling of her in the hospital would stick around forever but he's also scared of it scared that it will linger forever, that he’ll have to feel like she’s just around the corner forever. 

Alex is worried about Meredith and there’s no one to talk to about the fact that he’s worried. He’s not going to talk to Izzie, who’s been gone for more then three years, and Lexie is a train waiting to catch on fire and she hasn’t slept in a pretty long time, so unless he wants to talk to Zola he’s at a loss. He can try to talk to Bailey but she’s running around on mostly adrenaline and he’s afraid that if he talks to her about anything mildly relating to Cristina she’ll break too and he doesn’t know what I’ll happen if he talks to Webber he can try but he doesn’t want to he wants to put it of until he needs to, until he sure cause he wants Meredith to be ok. 

Then Meredith calls him and says that she’s outside Cristina’s apartment and that she needs a ride and he leaves. He takes the car and he drives to Cristina’s apartment. When he gets there she’s just sitting on the steps, she doesn’t look as if she had had a breakdown she looked ok and he was relieved.

“What are you doing out.” she got up from the steps “I snuck into Cristina’s apartment.” he knew that she had probably done something like that “Why.” He was curious as to why she would do it. 

“I’m not sure. I did see Owen and he also snuck into her apartment, he looked like shit.” She was ignoring the fact that she too looked like shit “It’s his apartment too and of course he looks like shit. Do you want to go?” Alex didn’t think that Meredith wanted to spend anymore time at Cristina’s apartment. “Yeah.” They got into the car and they didn’t talk and they both knew that their minds were on Cristina.

Arizona 

Arizona knew that she shouldn’t make Callie promise not to take her leg but she did she made her promise that no matter what she wouldn’t, because at that moment it wouldn’t matter if she died she wasn’t losing her leg and she knew that she had a family and she didn’t want to leave them but she needed her leg. 

She didn’t know why it mattered but one of the things she thought would be most devastating if she lost her leg would be she wouldn’t be able to skate again. She knew that it was just skating but it mattered more than she could comprehend it was what she did when everything changed she skated. Everything was changing, she knew that Callie was close to Cristina, they were friends she wanted to ask Callie about Cristina, but really she didn’t want to ask at all. 

She remembered Cristina but she also remembered the crash she remembered screaming and she remembered them walking away from her to a sound and she remembered when they told her she was dead, she didn’t remember who told her, and she wanted to scream and she wanted to cry and she didn’t know what to feel but pain and she didn’t feel that much pain anymore but that feeling of wanting to scream wouldn’t go away. 

She was scared to die but she was more scared to live without a leg to live with such a big difference that could never change she was scared that everything would change and that she would hate who she turned out to be. 

“You need to take Sophia out more, take her to the park.” she didn’t know why she was saying these things but she needed to say them “These days it seems like she goes from the house to daycare, she needs to be outside more.” she needed Callie to know what had to happen. “Why are you saying these things.” She didn’t want to hurt Callie but she needed to say something. 

“Because you know what will happen to you, you know that tomorrow you’ll just be standing there, I don’t know anything anymore and I need to know that you’ll do this for me.” She didn’t want Callie to be scared but she needed to know something.

Owen 

Owen didn’t mind seeing Meredith. It was nice to see someone who knew what he felt. They talked and it was nice it was the first time he had talked about Cristina to anyone since the crash. He didn’t really understand Meredith, she had just seen her best friend die and she was just ok, he wouldn’t have been ok. 

He understood how terrifying it was to watch someone die, to watch life leave them and to not be able to do anything but wait and comfort them and how they are gone but you are left to sort out the mess they left, and you want to scream at them for putting you through that, but you can’t because they’re gone. He wants to scream at Cristina for leaving him, he wants to scream at everyone because they’re still here and she’s gone and he wants to scream at them to bring her back. 

He would do anything if it would bring her back. “I need to go.” He didn’t know if he could spend any more time in the apartment that she had bought for them. “Me too.” Meredith got up and he followed her and they walked out and sat on the steps. He called Teddy

“Hey I need you to pick me up, I’m at me and Cristina’s apartment.” He said it like she was still alive “Yeah of course, I’ll be there in a few minutes.” He could hear how confused she sounded about why he was at his dead wife’s apartment and to be honest he doesn’t know why he’s there. 

Teddy came by in her car and he got in and she looked at him and he hated the way she looked at him. “You know that when Henry died I made Cristina go over everything she did in that OR just so I could know that he was dead, really know that there was no saving him.” He didn’t understand how it applied to him. “So I understand that you might do things that don’t make sense cause you’re grieving.” He didn’t want to talk about this. “I’m fine, really.” He wasn’t fine. “You’ve been to your that apartment two days in a row, what do you even do in there stare at things.” He didn’t know why he went to their apartment. 

“I don’t know Teddy, I don’t know what I’m feeling and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” He was crying, he didn’t want to cry. “She's gone Teddy and I don’t know what’s happening.” There were tears streaming down his face and he couldn’t breath and he was crying and he was in Teddy’s house and they were sitting on her couch and he was crying into her shoulder.

Derek

Derek hadn’t seen Meredith today and he was sad about it, but she was grieving and he didn’t know how she was able to go into the hospital with Cristina being everywhere and on everyone's mind he didn’t know how she was still going. Bailey told him that Meredith told her that she was ok and that was all he needed; he just needed to know that she was ok. 

He did want to share the good news that he was being discharged soon and that he would get to go home, he was even well enough that they let him see Mark. Mark was still on a ventilator but he was getting stronger and they thought he could come off soon. 

He asked if Lexie had been to see him but she hadn’t, he was disappointed and he wanted them both to be healthy but he also knew that they all needed time and space and to think about it all. 

He needed to think about all, to think about that fact that this had happened and nothing would change that, that nothing he did had caused this, that it had just happened. He was scared that if this had just happened what else could just happen out of nowhere and change everything, he wanted there to be a reason, a cause, something that would explain why. Why everything had to change, to get messed up to, why his hand had to get messed up. Why everyone had to get hurt. Why Cristina had to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading i hope you liked it


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